1. IanW

   If you haven’t made the decision yet, the way I do these things is to try and use unbiased logic; things like “what would be of most practical benefit in the short term” and “is this an irreversible decision” (or “is this a once-only opportunity”).

   I appreciate though, that not everyone can do that, and that even if you can, it might not lead to a clear solution.

   In your specific case though, it seems as though you have made the decision already (”fear is pushing me towards a decision I know is completely wrong for me”; so you know what the right decision is).

   If you’ve made that decision, then is it enough to say that you understand the reasons why it’s the right decision, and that you need to focus on those when your strength needs bolstering?

   You know this decision is right for you; remember the advice you gave me a long time ago, “it’s when you go past the point of no return that things start to happen” and trust in yourself. You *can* do this, I know you.

   I’ll just finish by saying that, years ago, I made a decision out of fear, and I regretted it for many years, until I learned to live with the consequences. You know that is the wrong thing to do, so focus on your strength and the good reasons behind the right decision, and go for it.

   Jan 5th, 2007

2. IanW

   BTW, I watched The Secret on your recommendation before it became chargeable; it is indeed highly recommended!

   Jan 5th, 2007

3. Kathleen

   Ian, thanks for your support, sweetie.

   Back to ‘detoxing my life’ (i.e. clearing out my junk). After all, it’s on my 30 day exeriments.

   Kx

   Jan 5th, 2007

4. andrea / ibiji

   fear and how to make the right choices: huge subject.

   Though i see the good in it, i respectfully disagree with ian -at least as far as the actual decision. I profoundly believe that rational processes are flawed, in the end. In the end, something in you, higher than rational, knows.

   Jan 6th, 2007

5. andrea / ibiji

   but then again, i don’t believe in “goals” as i see them used in our culture. Only goals i believe in are along the lines of: respect others but be good to myself. Very non-specific. Never attribute “good to myself” with specific job, task, title, achievement. Good to self is own purpose. Something in us knows what is good to self, it feels it.

   Jan 6th, 2007

6. IanW

   Andrea, I’m not claiming this method would work for everyone, as I stated; just that it works for *me*. The reason it works for me is that I can be certain that I’ve taken certain elements out of the decision, so that what I’m left with is at least, the logical choice.

   Of course, just getting to that point can be considered to be a *start* rather than an *end* — if you look at that choice and just feel wrong about it, that’s a perfectly valid thing to do, and may lead to the right choice as far as your feelings go.

   The reason I mentioned as I did was indeed as a starting point for discussion; please, do let everyone know how you would approach this particular issue yourself.

   Jan 6th, 2007

7. andrea / ibiji

   Ian, i agree with you. and your method does sound wise. I usually start with just that: a logical analysis exactly like you wisely describe, to quote you: “things like ‘what would be of most practical benefit in the short term’ and ‘is this an irreversible decision’ ”

   But that’s just near the start of the process.

   I also do a lot of “visualization” of myself in each of the scenarios: I imagine myself having made choice A, and try to notice how i FEEL, and then do the same for choice B, or C, etc…”

   After all the rational analysis, i let time pass, depending on the circumstances, at least 3 days and nights. Ideally, several weeks or months, but like i said, that depends.

   If faced with decisions that must be made immediately, 1st criteria is: “which choice causes harm?” then drop that one, or “which choice do i solidly know causes health?” and i pick that one. I also remember a sign posted on the garage when i was a cab driver, which we’d see before driving out onto the streets: “if in doubt, don’t.” These are good criteria, also may have flaws or be far from perfect. That’s why i love to have plenty of time to process decisions.

   Anyway, in the process, more than anything, i pay the most important attention not to what I think, but to how i FEEL. In my experience, most decisions i made based on rationality have been decisions that have harmed me. (I would theorize, and this is in keeping with kathleen’s subject of this blog, that fear is also a factor that is always considered by the rational mind. It seems ironic, because fear may be an irrational emotion. But here is a prime example: you mentioned a “once in a lifetime opportunity”; if i take an opportunity because i fear that i might miss it -take it now or lose it forever- i make a major life mistake. What i do must not be because i fear losing the opportunity, it must be because **i want it.** I have taken an incrdible opportunity in th epast because it was just that, “an incredible opportunity” that had to be acted upon “now.” But had it not been a time-sensitive “incredible opportunity” i might have realized I didn’t really want it. I took that incredible job opportunity out of fear of losing the opportunity. And i lived to regret it. There is a vital difference between “i do this because it’s a great opportunity” or even “I do this because it makes sense,” and “i do this because i want to.” But we’d have to get deeply into what each word means in that last phrase: “i” requires deepest self-knowledge, as well as “do” and “want.” -for example, if a person thinks that they “want” to hurt someone or themselves, or if they think that they “want” something they like but they know deep down that it is bad for them, if that person says “i want it” that person is lying to oneself, meaning, that person does not truly “want” that. But language falls short of what i’m trying to say. Still, With the deepest meaning of “i” “want” and “do”, my answer is always that the best thing to do is what “i” “want.”)

   That was a long parenthesis.

   The end of the story is that i profoundly believe that after all the rational process, i still deliberately choose to go with what “feels” right over time.

   Let me repeat it: after processing it all, I deliberately choose to go with what ***feels*** right.

   The process of finding what “feels” right is complex, long, and takes much much practice. To aggravate the situation, we live in a culture that blocks or at least hinders that process.

   It’s the ancient matter of getting in touch with oneself, learning to know oneself. It may involve years of practice, trial and error, nutrition, breathing, meditation, more.

   But the rational mind, i believe, is not the answer. And even though the answer may be muddled and mixed up by culture, lack of nutrition, lack of meditation, etc., still, incredibly, it’s there. it’s there all the time. in us.

   it’s something in us that knows what is right for us.

   And at times we can see it even if we are untrained, because it IS in each of us.

   We live well if we recognize it. and live it.

   Jan 6th, 2007

8. Kathleen

   Andrea, much to digest there, thank you for your comments too.

   Thanks so much for the dialogue, guys, some very interesting ideas and themes there. Will return once I’ve digested them some more. In the meantime, do feel free to keep discussing.

   Kx

   Jan 6th, 2007

9. Kathleen

   Ian & Andrea,

   Just a quick addition, I’m thinking that the challenge of harmonising the rational/reasonable and the emotional is an important one. Each kind of response has its part to play, the difficult thing is working out which is right for when.

   Well, that’s my two cents for now.

   Maybe this would be a good subject for a future entry… What do you reckon?

   Kx

   Jan 14th, 2007

10. IanW

    I completely agree with you Kath, both types of decision-making are relevant and important.

    I for one think a future entry is a great idea, it would be good to explore the issue.

    Jan 14th, 2007

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